– No matter how good a 15-year-old sings, never have sex with her.
– I’ve always thought that Roger Clemens was a complete dick and general piece of shit. Now I know he is, and it makes me feel better about making assumptions about someone I’ve never met.
– I bet every Chicago Bears fan wishes that they worked for the Austin Police Department so they could have pepper sprayed Cedric Benson in the face. Somebody get that cop a medal.
– If I was an NBA coach with a career 194-70 record and my owner fired me on a call from his cell phone, I would request a face-to-face meeting. And then kick him in the balls.
– There’s nothing funny about Sean Avery’s spleen injury. But it would be funny if he was hospitalized with an asshole injury.
– There’s something empty about a Kentucky Derby winner who literally beats a dead horse. (Yeah, I’m going to hell for that pun. But honestly, how do you celebrate that win?)
– By taking the Celtics to seven games, the Atlanta Hawks showed us that they are no longer the lamest franchise in professional sports. (My definition of lamest is “team that a casual fan is most likely to forget even existed.” Until last year, the Golden State Warriors had worn the crown for about five straight years.)
But now I’ve got to award the title to someone else. Look for results sometime later this summer or fall.
– In watching Game 7 of the Celtics-Hawks series, I learned that Kia is the official automobile of the NBA. I’m not sure what this says about the NBA. But it says a lot.
– I’m gonna have to check with the NCAA to see if I still have any eligibility, because I think the Indiana basketball team is going to need me next year. The Skyhook three-pointer has to be worth at least one Big Ten win. And chances are that will be the only Big Ten win that the Hoosiers will be experiencing next year.
IU’s rapid and complete downfall is an interesting lesson in what happens when you dance with the devil. Back when IU hired Kelvin Sampson, all I could tell my friends was “Enjoy this while it still counts,” with the thought process being that we’d experience great success only to see it expunged from the record books 10 years down the road.
As it turns out, there really wasn’t much to enjoy at all.
Still jealous that Eric Gordon didn’t come to your campus that reeks of manure when the wind blows the right direction, Illini fans?
– Wasn’t Eli Holman a Civil War general?
– Most amazingly of all, the maestro that brought all of these chickens home to roost — IU athletic director Rick Greenspan — still has his job. What’s this guy need to do to get fired, bone a 15-year-old singer?
Quick, someone get him Miley Cyrus’ phone number.
– When the Bucks hired Scott Skiles, I was all about jumping on their bandwagon and ditching the apathetic Bulls, who were too lazy to play under his exacting style. Then they decided to go on and hire Kelvin Sampson as one of their assistants. Now I’m hoping for a Wisconsin “hunting accident.”
Editor’s Note: Contrary to the last two items, Rumors and Rants does not advocate statutory rape or shooting people in blaze orange vests. We do, however, still advocate pepper spraying Cedric Benson.