Too Far?

April 29, 2008 – 7:12 pm by McD

Dear Diary,

First, I’d just like to reiterate that keeping a diary in no way puts my manhood into question, but you know that, diary. People are just jealous of your Hello Kitty stickers. Like, OMG, people need to get a life and stop being jealous.

Second, as you also know, I tend to take my sports a little too seriously at times. I make a lot of statements that some people would call “criminal” or “insane” about players or other sports personalities that get on my bad side. Like the time I threatened to “go Deliverance” on any potential offspring Landon Donovan might have one day when the U.S. National Soccer team was struggling during the last World Cup. I mean, at the time I thought I was just acting like your average soccer fan, but we Americans have set a higher standard as sports fans. I also sent a personal letter of apology to Bill Simmons for a previous letter in which I said I was going to “Kobe Bryant” his wife because he picked Kevin Garnett over Kobe for this year’s MVP. Totally not cool, though his lack of response to my correspondence was equally not cool.

However far I might take my “love” of sports, I’d never do this to any player like some people tried to do to Ronaldo on Tuesday. All my “love” of sports is all in good fun; I’d never actually try to extort any players by using transvestite prostitutes and then asking for money to keep the story out of the papers. I will, however, be referring to myself as “The Phenomenon” like that one lady in the article called Ronaldo. For potential legal purposes, here’s a list of athletes I wouldn’t mind seeing some one “go Ronaldo” on in the near future, but certainly not me:

Brian Giles
Well, I’d try it if there weren’t already a 50% chance this could happen at any time. The man has been the face of the offensive disaster that is my beloved San Diego Padres since they traded Jason Bay for him a few years back. Only down side is that he’s been hitting fairly well (for a Padre) this season.

Tom Brady
There are just so many reasons it would feel so good to see Brady on the cover of every major news publication next to a mugshot of a diseased-looking transvestite hooker, it’s hard to even think of where to start. Just being the starting quarterback of the team that beat the Chargers in the playoffs the last two seasons is enough for me. But he’s also probably got it coming for his hot girlfriends and that Yankees hat incident.

J.J. Redick
A somewhat old grudge. I hated him even when he was at Duke, but now that he’s made the NBA as a one-trick pony and is still complaining about playing time, a wake-up call by the cops and paparazzi at 5am outside an expensive hotel with a hooker that looks like Kareem is in order.

Skip Bayless
Come on, everyone knows why. Plus the Deadspin piece would be awesome, and in no way celebratory or over the top.

Matt Painter
Because we’ve got to do something about Purdue’s potential semi-permanent dominance of the Big Ten basketball scene. Even though IU just got Tom Crean, who is superior in every way, no advantage is too small against this guy. I think he might be a witch.

Matt Holliday
He’s taken Barry Bonds’ place as the pre-eminent Padre-killer in the National League West. Any big at-bat, hell any at-bat at all, against a Padres pitcher spells certain death for my beloved Padres. The guy is just too good against us.

Kelvin Sampson
Because apparently this guy (and his career) can’t be killed. Even after being caught cheating multiple times, he still gets to work for an NBA franchise and make obscene amounts of money just for being around NBA players. He nearly killed my alma mater’s basketball program when all he had to do was keep his shit together and things would be fine. Instead, he cheated during recruiting and lost one of the best jobs in his profession after two seasons. Literally, eat a d**k, buddy. Eat it.

So, diary, I’m getting really sleepy and it’s Neil Diamond night on American Idol today, so I’m gonna go. I really feel like I got some anger out tonight. I really hope I have a good hair day tomorrow at work too. I’m so glad I have you, diary. Otherwise, I’d probably just go crazy all the time. I wouldn’t be normal like I am now. So thank you, diary. Night.

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  1. 7 Responses to “Too Far?”

  2. You know…I went away for a couple of days…didn’t read the blog…and I come back to this post.

    Wow. Just absolutely fucking wow. I think milk shot out my nose while I was laughing at the Matt Painter entry…and I haven’t had milk since breakfast. That’s not something I should worry about, right? Right?

    Well done, McD, well done.

    By the incomparable mjenks on Apr 30, 2008

  3. Brian Giles is a fucking bum.

    By MilwaukeeBooter on Apr 30, 2008

  4. “Even though IU just got Tom Crean, who is superior in every way”

    Riiiiiigggghhhhttt.

    By Purdue Matt on Apr 30, 2008

  5. Purdue Matt,
    What, we can’t be overly optimistic?

    By Phillips on Apr 30, 2008

  6. Hehe, this list is pretty much right on the money.

    Here’s to hoping that the “Paint Crew” (lame ass Purdue fans, always good for a laugh) gets Creaned on next year.

    Double props to McD on this one.

    By Dave H on Apr 30, 2008

  7. Here’s to hoping that Jordan Crawford and DeAndre Thomas flunk out.

    By Purdue Matt on May 1, 2008

  8. How would DeAndre Thomas flunking out be a bad thing? Are you a Purdue fan? Christ, man, you should be wishing that DeAndrea Thomas and his “five-minutes, five-turnovers, five-fouls” style of play stays in Bloomington.

    And you call yourself a fan. I’m a little disappointed, man.

    By the indefatigable mjenks on May 1, 2008

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