This Is How You Do It, Tony Romo

April 4, 2008 – 12:00 pm by TheRiot

Anybody that follows the sporting world as close as we do here at R&R can tell you there are a few simple sports truths. For example, if you are named Alex Rodriguez, or anything close to it, you are subject to abuse at Fenway Park.

Now I give you another truism: If you happen to be even a moderately attractive, well-paid male athlete you will date — check that — you will carouse with extremely hot women. That is just truth. And that, friends, is why every male at some point in their lives wants to be a professional athlete.

In that spirit I give you Brooklyn Decker. First of all, that’s a cool name. Second of all, she’s a swimsuit model and recently became engaged to one Andy Roddick.

Usually I don’t get into this celebrity-athlete gossip/sex/marriage/divorce mill, but you might have heard that Mr. Roddick did something exceptional last night. He beat Roger Federer for only the second time ever.

So, let’s put the pieces together. First, he gets engaged to a ridiculously hot woman. Second, he beats the greatest tennis player of all time for the second time ever. Coincidence? I think not.

The soon-to-be Mrs. Andy Roddick has clearly had a good influence on her betrothed. That is incredible, you know, because these beautiful women can also use voodoo to make your athletic prowess go away.

Just ask poor Tony Romo. He obviously had no idea what he was getting into when he said, “Hey, Jess, why don’t you come watch the game Sunday and wear my jersey with a pink number! It’ll be neat.”

Oh, Tony, your Midwest ways were too naive for that serpent Jessica Simpson. Brian Urlacher would’ve told you to keep her away. I mean look at her face in that photo. That’s the Plotting Doom face. Or is it the Confused face. It’s hard to tell with her.

Either way, Tony didn’t stand a chance with her. Sometimes you’re dating over your head. We’re confused as to why he didn’t dump her soon thereafter.

Clearly, we have two different outcomes in the same situation. I don’t know what Andy is up to, but he needs to keep it up. He just beat Federer for the second time ever, so if he continues to do what he’s doing right now maybe he’ll even win another major some day, instead of flaming out and embarrassing his country every time out. That’s right I said it.

So, I’ll leave you with probably the most authoritative advice on this subject and a giant picture of Brooklyn Decker because that’s what’s most important here. Great thanks to Crash Davis in Bull Durham for his wisdom and Google image search for the picture:

Crash Davis: “I never told him to stay out of your bed.”

Annie Savoy: “Yes you did.”

Crash Davis: “I told him that a player on a streak has to respect the streak.”

Annie Savoy: “Oh fine.”

Crash Davis: “You know why? Because they don’t — they don’t happen very often.”

Annie Savoy: “Right.”

Crash Davis: “If you believe you’re playing well because you’re getting laid, or because you’re not getting laid, or because you wear women’s underwear, then you ARE! And you should know that!”

Preach on, Crash. Listen up, Andy.

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