Our favorite story of the month (well, at least it is my favorite story of the month) keeps getting better and better. In fact, I don’t see any way that it is going to be surpassed as my favorite story of the year. And possibly the decade.
When we last saw Penn State guard Stanley Pringle, he was accused of masturbating in the school library. Now we have Stanley’s alibi — and I swear to God I’m not making any of this up. It’s straight out of the PSU student newspaper, the creatively named Daily Collegian.
Responding to recent charges leveled against him, Nittany Lion basketball player Stanley Pringle told police he was touching his penis but was not masturbating in the Pattee Library stacks last Thursday.
Pringle told police he has “a bad habit of putting his hand down his pants,” and demonstrated for the officer by placing his hand down the front of his sweatpants, according to the complaint.
“Why would I need to masturbate?” he told police. “This is how I chill, ma’am.”
Trust me Stanley, I know exactly where you’re coming from. I remember this one time in college where I forgot to lock the door to my room and my buddy McCarthy had the misfortune to walk in on me chillin’ while I was looking at some footage on the internet. I believe his reaction was similar to that of Peter Venkman when he’s about to get slimed (skip ahead to 5:25 in the video) in Ghostbusters (no worries, McCarthy didn’t get slimed).
But he calmed down considerably after I pointed out that “This is how I chill, bro.”
All of this library intrigue makes for a pretty good story. Amazingly, though, the Pringle Whackergate saga only gets more interesting as the article gets longer. Seriously, it had to be tough figuring out what to use as the lead on this one.
According to the criminal complaint, a woman said Pringle sat down on top of a desk behind her and asked if she wanted to purchase some hand lotion he was selling for the basketball team.
Sports Information Director Brian Siegrist declined to comment.
So let me get this straight… the Penn State basketball team has to sell hand lotion as a fundraiser? Is this for real? A Division I basketball team — much less one from the Big Ten — selling hand lotion to raise money seems like an absurd notion to say the very least. I remember selling generic “Cal Ripken Jr. Bars” as an eighth-grade team fundraiser, but that’s a few steps removed from the big time.
And hand lotion? What is this, the Avon Ladies? All I want is confirmation that this part of the story is true, or if it is just a terribly lame excuse on Pringle’s part. Either way, it’s terribly lame. But I have faith that the Daily Collegian’s crack staff is on top of it.