Kelvin Sampson is in hot water. Rumors are swirling that the Indiana University basketball coach won’t make it past the weekend. The school announced today it will investigate the NCAA’s claim that Sampson intentionally misled both IU and NCAA officials and will determine whether or not to terminate his contract.
Basically, Sampson is a sleaze. We’ve known this for quite a while. Oklahoma fans will tell you. Illinois fans will more than happily pile on, and you know what, IU deserves it. But as far as slimeballs go, who better to matchup with Sampson then the all-time slime of them all.
I look to one of my favorite films, “Ghostbusters,” often for inspiration. Side note, in high school a few select peers referred to me as the Keymaster due to my uncanny likeness to Rick Moranis. But I digress.
It’s time for our matchup of the week Slimer vs. Kelvin Sampson.
Slimer: He’s green, gooey and is a spokesman for mass consumption. Technically, he’s a focused, non-terminal repeating phantasm or a class-five full-roaming vapor.
Sampson: A 26-year coaching veteran, who in three years has gone from well-respected president of the National Association of Basketball Coaches to Clem Haskins and Jerry Tarkanian. Techincally, he’s a focused terminal repeating offender or a class-five douche bag.
Slimer: Proton Pack (an unlicensed nuclear accelerator)
Sampson: NCAA Rules and Regulations
Spengler: Don’t cross the streams.
Spengler: It would be bad.
Venkman: I’m fuzzy on the whole good and bad thing. What do you mean bad?
Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Stantz: Total plutonic reversal.
Venkman: Alright, that’s bad. Thanks Egon. Important safety tip.
Slimer: Frightening guests on the 12th floor of the Sedgwick Hotel and gorging on room service without tipping ala Roy Williams (the Detroit wide receiver not the UNC coach or Dallas safety). Oh, and he slimed Venkman. “He slimed me…I feel so funky.”
Sampson: While on NCAA-sanctioned probation for more than 500 impermissable calls he and his staff made at Oklahoma, CKS pissed on the NCAA’s sanctions and violated his probation and then allegedly lied to both IU officials and NCAA investigators.
Advantage: Sampson. He’s brought one of the crown jewels of college basketball into the gutter. Well done, ass munch.
Top unfounded rumor:
Slimer: That Slimer was the spirit of John Belushi. Dan Aykroyd referred to Slimer as “The Ghost of John Belushi,” drawing similarities to Belushi’s “Animal House” performance non grata as Bluto. Belushi was originally slated to play the role of Dr. Peter Venkman, but died before production got underway. Bill Murray got the role instead. Not a bad understudy.
Sampson: He has a conscious.
Advantage: Slimer. “They took the bar. The whole fucking bar!”
Biggest contribution to America’s stomachs:
Slimer: Ecto Cooler, by far my favorite Hi-C juice box. When “The Extreme Ghostbusters” cartoon was canceled in 1997, the drink was renamed Shoutin’ Orange Tangergreen and was never the same. Shunning Slimer from the box single-handedly swung The Juice Box Wars of 1998 in favor of Capri Sun, though technincally not a juice “box.”
Sampson: Looking at CKS prowling the sidelines of Assembly Hall makes Indiana basketball fans want to vomit. Everyone needs a good disgust-induced yack from time to time.
Advantage: Slimer. Green juice. Orange flavor. Best lunch box companion ever.
Slimer: Dr. Peter Venkman, Dr. Ray Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler and the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
Sampson: Can’t be too many. He has no problem throwing assistants under the bus to take the hit for him. See Rob Senderoff.
Advantage: Slimer. “I’m Winston Zeddemore, Your Honor. I’ve only been with the company for a couple of weeks, but these things are real. Since I joined these men, I’ve seen shit that’ll turn you white.”
Most unheralded co-worker:
Slimer: In the cartoon “The Real Ghostbusters,” Slimer was voiced by Frank Welker. Yes, that’s the same Frank Welker who provided the voice for eight of the original 14 Decepticons in “Transformers,” Doctor Claw of “Inspector Gadget” and Santa’s Little Helper and Snowball II from “The Simpsons” to name a few. What a talent.
Sampson: A decent calling plan with unlimited texting.
Advantage: Slimer. Did I mention Welker did the voice of Abu in “Aladdin.”
Verdict: 6-1, Slimer
So there you have it. Even when faced off against an ecto-plasmic blob, Sampson is no match. While the soon to be ex-Hoosiers coach is a bonafide slime ball, there can be only one true Slimer. So raise a glass to Slimer. He wins in a blowout.
Remember the good days of “Ghostbusters” and “Ghostbusters II,” not the crappy Saturday morning cartoon spin-offs. It was a golden age for slimeballs everywhere. But be wary. With the likes of Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Sampson, who knows how slimey it can get.
P.S. I hate Kelvin Sampson for tarnishing my alma mater.