Tale Of The Tape: Lyla Garrity vs. Tyra Collette

January 14, 2008 – 2:20 am by Ryan Phillips


The recent Writers Guild of America strike has actually been good for me. I had been missing a lot of quality television shows over these last few months, what with a semi-busy day job (that mostly sees me working at night) and maintaining this fantastic sportsblog. OK, to be honest, I had no excuse to miss as much as I did. But nonetheless I was incredibly far behind and the strike has allowed me to catch up via OnDemand programming and network Web sites now featuring full shows. Here’s what I can tell you from what I’ve seen over the last few weeks: “Life” – starring Damian Lewis of “Band of Brothers” fame – is by far the best new show of the season, and man “Friday Night Lights” is a great show.

FNL has it all, great writing, poignant drama, well timed comedy, great sports action and tons of hot chicks. It’s the perfect storm of American television. The two main young female leads, Minka Kelly and Adrianne Palicki are devastatingly attractive. In fact, they are so incredibly gorgeous that I actually went through a phase last year where they kept one-upping each other in my mind. I couldn’t decide who I would go with given the choice. This year has been no different.

So rather than breakdown the relative merits of either actress (because my math may be rusty but last time I checked there is no difference between a 10 and a 10) I decided instead to breakdown their characters. I’m going to put Lyla Garrity and Tyra Collette through the ringer and see who comes out on top.

Vital Statistics
Tyra Collette: 5’11, blonde hair, light green eyes. Senior at Dillon High School. Perfect body and legs so long they’d make a giraffe jealous.
Lyla Garrity: 5’5, brown hair, dark brown eyes. Senior at Dillon High School, former cheerleader. Very nice body, nice ass and a great stomach.
Advantage: Tyra

Face
Tyra: Gorgeous. Great smile, perfect teeth, knows how to get attention.
Lyla: Gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful smile and she has this look when she’s upset that would make Osama Bin Laden apologize for anything he’s ever done. Seriously, you want to catch the guy, send her over to Pakistan.
Advantage: Lyla

Physical Flaws
Tyra: Has a gigantic mole between her eyebrows that is pretty hard to take your eyes off of. Not sure what the deal is there but she should definitely have it looked at. I’m not a doctor but I’m pretty sure those things can turn cancerous. Plus it could cost her this competition.
Lyla: From certain angles her chin looks thicker than Tom Brady’s. I hate to point stuff like this out since she’s so insanely hot, but at times it looks like it’s pointing the way to buried treasure or something.
Advantage: Lyla

Sexual History
Tyra: Two words: long and distinguished. Before nailing the bumbling idiot that is Landry Clarke, she was hollowed out by local poon-hound and Dillon High School fullback Tim Riggins for a long time. There have been a few other guys sprinkled in there but I’d have to re-watch season one to give you a full rundown. Oh and a guy also tried to rape her towards the end of the first season. Simply put, the girl knows her way around the block and could probably show you a thing or two.
Lyla: Was the cheerleader girlfriend of then Dillon High School quarterback, local hero and now wheelchair-bound Jason Street. They had the perfect relationship, then he broke his neck, ended up paralyzed and she cheated on him with his best friend, local poon-hound and Dillon High School fullback Tim Riggins. Man that guy’s life really sucks huh? I’d assume she’s very vanilla and loving in bed with serious cold-fish potential, but you never know.
Advantage: Tyra

Family
Tyra: Knowing what a girl’s family is like can go a long way to determining what she’s really like. Ms. Collette’s is a mess. She’s essentially the definition of white trash. They live in a run-down house, her mom dates guys who abuse her and then hit on Tyra, and her sister is a stripper. I’m pretty sure that means her family has hit for the West Texas Cycle. Oh and Tyra’s mom also got involved in an adulterous relationship with – wait for it – Buddy Garrity, Lyla’s dad. Awesome.
Lyla: Well her dad Buddy cheated on his wife repeatedly, and Lyla got insanely angry at him…but then she realized she had been getting canoed by another guy while her boyfriend laid on his back in the hospital paralyzed. Now the home is a mess, her mom kicked Buddy out and is currently engaged to some hippie guy who swooped in. Her dad is living in a bachelor pad desperately trying to get her mom back and she’s caught in the middle.
Advantage: Lyla

Biggest Mistake
Tyra: Local poon-hound and Dillon High School fullback Tim Riggins
Lyla: Local poon-hound and Dillon High School fullback Tim Riggins
Advantage: Push

Personality Flaws
Tyra: Cries too much. Can be a bitch sometimes. Claims to hate football but she goes to games anyway.
Lyla: Has become a Jesus-freak and preaches all the time. She’s so needy she was willing to get engaged at 17-years-old to her paralyzed ex.
Advantage: Tyra

Worst Thing She’s Ever Done
Tyra: Helped Landry Clarke dump the body of a guy he killed into the river.
Lyla: Cheated on her crippled boyfriend with his best friend.
Advantage: Push

Thing She Despises The Most
Tyra: Cheerleaders.
Lyla: Satan.
Advantage: Lyla

Thing She Wants Most
Tyra: To get the hell out of Dillon, Texas.
Lyla: God’s love. And to convert you.
Advantage: Tyra

Kind Of Girl She Is

Tyra: The kind you take straight to bed. Repeatedly.
Lyla: The kind you take home to mom.
Advantage: Lyla

What She Has That The Other Doesn’t

Tyra: A rack you could serve dinner on.
Lyla: Morals.
Advantage: Tyra

Worst Habit
Tyra: Sleeping with losers.
Lyla: Bible-thumping.
Advantage: Tyra

Verdict: 6-5, Tyra Collette
This was almost too close to call and could have gone either way. In the end we had to go with the girl who likes to have fun over the buttoned up Born-Again Christian. Tyra likes to party, is outgoing and judging by her previous sexual partners, she’d probably sleep with you. Just be sure to wrap up, we know where she’s been and it ain’t pretty.

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  1. 15 Responses to “Tale Of The Tape: Lyla Garrity vs. Tyra Collette”

  2. Priceless. Absolutely Priceless.

    Nobody can beat the local poon-hound Timmy Riggins!!!

    By Anonymous on Jan 14, 2008

  3. I think the winner is really Tim Riggins. Plus he slept with his MILF neighbor!

    By Anonymous on Jan 14, 2008

  4. Don’t forget Tyra’s one-episode romp with that out of town investment banker!

    She gets huge points for that one – on their “date” she showed up at HIS hotel room and immediately began making out with him.

    By Anonymous on Jan 14, 2008

  5. The only thing I can say about Lyla, is that Riggins said she was the best he ever had. I think she automatically wins that category, as Rigging is the only person that can accurately comment on the sexual merits of both

    By Anonymous on Jan 14, 2008

  6. love it. Choosing a nice rack (Tyra) over morals (Lyla). And that nicely sums up the thought-process of your average male.

    By Anonymous on Jan 14, 2008

  7. When I was a freshman in college, the hottest chick willing to go the distance (even in the back seat of a car) openly professed her love for Jesus and her active relationship with God. When she decided it was your turn at bat, her unrestrained desire and enthusiasm for sex would have you praising the Lord before the night was through.

    So, white trash chick with bigger problems than her STDs, or Jesus chick that truly enjoys doing it with her chosen few… A wise lad choses Lyla.

    By Anonymous on Jan 14, 2008

  8. When is poon-hound Tim Riggins going to bang Eric Taylor’s sister-in-law or daughter?????

    By Anonymous on Jan 14, 2008

  9. Elf this…I’d prefer the coach’s daughter…

    By Anonymous on Jan 14, 2008

  10. It’s dead fish, not fold fish. ANyone who has experienced it would know.

    By Anonymous on Jan 14, 2008

  11. Didn’t Trya also get some Smash’n?

    By Anonymous on Jan 14, 2008

  12. It’s tough to go against a 5’11” blond. I like a girl who’s tall enough to wrap her legs around my waist and squeeze the shit out of me… Maybe that’s just me though.

    By Patrick on Jan 14, 2008

  13. @ anonymous 6:46,
    I’ve actually heard both cold fish and dead fish in my time. And, when you think about it, wouldn’t a dead fish be cold anyway?

    And Patrick, it’s not just you.

    By Phillips on Jan 14, 2008

  14. Great post, I love that show! I’d take Lyla, I don’t like Tyra’s new short haircut.

    By gibbs12dotcom on Jan 15, 2008

  15. You’re forgetting about the newly blossomed Coach’s daughter Julie! Rack= 10
    Libido= 10
    Virgin= 10
    DSL= 10

    She’s got my vote hands down

    By Anonymous on Jan 15, 2008

  16. You said:

    “Kind Of Girl She Is
    Tyra: The kind you take straight to bed. Repeatedly.
    Lyla: The kind you take home to mom.
    Advantage: Lyla”

    EVERYTHING IN MY BODY AND SOUL TELLS ME THAT I MUST DISAGREE WITH THIS!!!

    By Anonymous on May 7, 2008

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