I first met Stanley Q. Studmuffin, President of the Cam Cameron Fan Club, shortly after Cam was canned by Indiana University in 2001. We’ve kept in touch ever since, although I hadn’t heard from Stanley since shortly before his proposed “30-kegger” to celebrate Cam’s hiring by the Dolphins last January.
Anxious to see what Cam Cam’s biggest fan had to say about Cameron’s latest firing, I tried e-mailing and calling, only to learn that none of his contact information was currently valid. Fortunately, Stanley knows where his biggest mouthpiece can be found, and got a hold of me on a phone that had the reception of a tin can.
“Thank God, er, Cam, that I finally got through to you!”
Stanley, where are you calling from? I can barely hear a word you’re saying.
“Cuba. I tried moving down to Miami as soon as the Dolphins hired Cam, but I couldn’t afford rent. The costs of my 30-kegger sort of set me back. So I figured that I’d just go to the cheapest, closest place I could find.”
Isn’t that a little excessive?
“To be within 100 miles of the foremost coaching mind of our generation? I hardly think that’s excessive. Plus, I found a good job down here. I’m a surgeon.”
Did you even go to medical school?
“Yeah, for a semester. But enough about me, I’m calling about Cam’s egregious firing by that fat oaf who wears his pants above his navel.”
“You know what Parcells said about Cam? Nothing. He made his new lackey, Jeff Ireland, say it. And that guy said ‘We didn’t really know the guy that well.’ They didn’t even try to know him! You know why? Ego! That Parcells is too concerned that his football knowledge would be so far overshadowed by Cam’s, he couldn’t handle having him in the same operation.”
I hate to bring this up, Stanley, but Cam did only go 1-15 this year. I think that might have been a bit of a factor.
“Exactly! Any other coach would have surely gone 0-16 with that sorry roster. There’s no making lemonade out of Cleo Lemon.”
Well, Cam might have had a hand in that. He did pass over Brady Quinn in the draft, you know.
“Brady Quinn? That guy played fewer snaps this year than Brock Berlin! Cam knew what he was doing.”
I still don’t know if that is a compelling case for bringing him back next year.
“Oh yeah? Well tell me this. What other coach in Dolphins history has ever coached a regular-season game in London? That’s history, baby.”
History? As in his 1-15 record ties him with Rod Rust for the second-worst mark in NFL history? (Yes, incredibly there is someone worse — Bill Peterson compiled a 1-18 record over the course of two season with the Oilers.)
“They didn’t give him enough time. With another year, there’s no way Cam would be tied for the second-worst record.”
Good point. He’d definitely give Bill Peterson a run for his money.
“What’s that? My connection is breaking up.”
Uh, nothing. So are you planning on staying in Cuba now that Cam has been fired by Miami?
“No way. I’ve already booked the next raft out of town. And don’t think this episode is ending without me spearing the Tuna to death.”
Whoa, that’s a little bit excessive, don’t you think?
“You’ve got to eat something on a raft ride from Cuba.”
Oh, that kind of tuna. What are your plans once you return to the U.S.?
“Wherever Cam goes, I’ll be there. I hear that Atlanta’s nice this time of year.”