If At First You Don’t Succeed, Secede

December 5, 2007 – 1:13 am by Hickey

I’m sure someone out there has an explanation for why a team with two losses is good enough to play for the national championship, yet a team that hasn’t been beaten by anybody doesn’t have that same right. But that explanation would defy logic.

Based on the simple principles of athletics, it is simply impossible to explain how a team could finish a season undefeated — the ONLY team to be undefeated in its particular sport — and not even participate in that sport’s championship game. But since the BCS and college football do not adhere to logic, it is time for Hawaii to fight fire with fire.

If undefeated Hawaii isn’t good enough to play for our national championship, then Hawaii should do the only remaining thing that is sensible — cease being part of our nation. That’s right. I’m calling for Hawaii to secede from the United States. And if that’s not cool with the president and Congress, then I’d suggest they push the buttons that will put the Rainbow Warriors into the National Championship Game.

It only makes sense. Did you know that Washington, DC is closer to London than it is to Honolulu? Of course, some of you may be thinking “Hawaii couldn’t afford to leave the U.S.” But just wait ’til they jack up prices on ukuleles, leis and macadamia nuts. They’ll show us who’s boss.

Granted, there are some questions and concerns — maybe even misgivings — folks may have over Hawaiian secession.

Who will be in charge of the Hawaiian government?

As many are aware, Hawaii was a Kingdom before the monarchy was overthrown by the U.S. Government in the heyday of imperialism. So where to find a new king? The most obvious choice, Don Ho, is no longer with us.

So now our lonely eyes must turn to Colt Brennan. He’s not going to win the Heisman, of course. But I think the title of King Colt the First would be a very nice consolation prize.

– Won’t the U.S. flag look weird with only 49 stars?

Good point. We can’t have an odd number on the flag. So unless we admit Puerto Rico, we’re going to have to kick somebody else out of the Union. Here are the top candidates:

West Virginia: Any state with a team blows a chance at the national championship by losing to a team coached by Dave Wannstedt is very questionable. It might be time to re-merge with Virginia.

Texas: They’ve always wanted to be their own country. Here’s a good chance.

Ditto Texas, but with left-wing crazies replacing the right-wing ones.

Talk about a place that gets off easy just because they were “The First State.” Big deal. What have you done for me since 1776? The only two things Delaware has produced are high interest-rate credit cards and Delino DeShields. This state totally sucks. I’m pretty sure we can afford to let them go.

-Hawaii didn’t play anyone this year. Aren’t you overreacting?

Look at the non-conference schedule of Ohio State. They didn’t exactly play anyone outside of the Big Ten that makes the bones shiver.

Too many BCS schools are too afraid to play a mid-major team capable of beating them. Hence, nobody is going to schedule a loaded team like Hawaii.

Maybe they should start doing so. Or be prepared to pay a lot for pineapples.

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  1. 3 Responses to “If At First You Don’t Succeed, Secede”

  2. You are missing an obvious choice for king: June Jones. He could bring back Jerry Glanville as his court jester.

    By Silverbackg1 on Dec 5, 2007

  3. I guess there’s a good reason Hawaii didn’t play for the national championship after all.

    By steelcities on Jan 3, 2008

  4. really Hawaii is done. There Days of Glory are over. Once Colt Brennan leaves in my mind, he made the team so when he leaves there really going to have to fix there team around.

    By phillyfan36 on Jan 5, 2008

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