The scene: Monday afternoon, Halas Hall, Lake Forest, IL. Coach Lovie Smith opens the door to the Quarterbacks’ Film Room and is greeted by a giant cloud of smoke. Kyle Orton tries waving the smoke out of the air and hiding a long glass tube near his chair.
Lovie: Kyle, what’s going on in here? It smells like Andy Reid’s basement.
Orton: (coughs) Oh, ah, that’s nothing, coach. We’re just fumigating the room. Ya know, low man on the totem pole type of thing.
Lovie: What? Then why isn’t Archuleta in here? If he was any lower I’d have him washing the toilets right now. Say, that’s a good idea … hey, what is this you’re watching?
Orton: Hmm? Oh, this… this is “Dude, Where’s My Car?” You should —
Lovie: Why aren’t you watching the dadgum Vikings game film?
Orton: That’s what I was trying to tell you. Um, Rex taped this movie over it.
Lovie: Damn. Sometimes I swear that boy is retarded. I hope you’re still gonna be able to go next Monday night.
Orton: Hell yeah. I go to the bar every Monday night. Do some Jell-O shots. Some puke and rally. Bring some honeys back to the crib…
Lovie: Kyle, we have a game next Monday night. I want you to be our quarterback.
Orton: (parts the ample growth of hair blocking his right ear) Excuse me? Are you asking me to start a game?
Lovie: Yes. We think you can be the future of the franchise. Some people say you could be the next Mike Tomczak.
Orton: Far out, man. Far fucking out.
Lovie: Kyle, watch your language! You’re a role model!
Orton: Oh yeah. Do you think, like, I’ll be on the cover of the next Madden game?
Lovie: You never know. The sky is the limit.
Orton: Ha. The sky is high … hey, do you think we could get Ricky Williams up here next year? I don’t know if you noticed, but Cedric Benson hasn’t really been getting it done.
Lovie: Just worry about your game, Kyle. I’ll take care of the rest.
Orton: Oh, about that. You might want to get my helmet to the equipment manager. I had it rigged to my iPod instead of the coaching booth after the preseason.
Lovie: What? So you haven’t heard a single thing Ron Turner has said all season?
Lovie: Hmm. You might be in better shape for this job than I realized in that case…
Orton: Oh, one more thing. Do you mind if I throw a little vodka into my Gatorade bottle? With Fred Miller and Terrence Metcalf up there I figure I’ll be taking a lot of hits, and that should ease the pain a bit.
Lovie: Haven’t Rex and Brian been doing that all season?
Orton: No, coach. Those guys play like that when they’re sober.
Lovie: Then I guess it can’t hurt. Don’t hesitate to mix in some Everclear if you have to.
Orton: Awesome! You won’t regret it, coach. In college, I threw like six TDs against Indiana after I drank half a bucket of that stuff at Delta Chi — that morning!
Lovie: Well then be ready to load it up. We’re coming off the bus passing…