Are you ready for some ORTON?

December 12, 2007 – 1:53 am by Hickey

The scene: Monday afternoon, Halas Hall, Lake Forest, IL. Coach Lovie Smith opens the door to the Quarterbacks’ Film Room and is greeted by a giant cloud of smoke. Kyle Orton tries waving the smoke out of the air and hiding a long glass tube near his chair.

Lovie: Kyle, what’s going on in here? It smells like Andy Reid’s basement.

Orton: (coughs) Oh, ah, that’s nothing, coach. We’re just fumigating the room. Ya know, low man on the totem pole type of thing.

Lovie: What? Then why isn’t Archuleta in here? If he was any lower I’d have him washing the toilets right now. Say, that’s a good idea … hey, what is this you’re watching?

Orton: Hmm? Oh, this… this is “Dude, Where’s My Car?” You should —

Why aren’t you watching the dadgum Vikings game film?

That’s what I was trying to tell you. Um, Rex taped this movie over it.

Damn. Sometimes I swear that boy is retarded. I hope you’re still gonna be able to go next Monday night.

Hell yeah. I go to the bar every Monday night. Do some Jell-O shots. Some puke and rally. Bring some honeys back to the crib…

Kyle, we have a game next Monday night. I want you to be our quarterback.

(parts the ample growth of hair blocking his right ear) Excuse me? Are you asking me to start a game?

Lovie: Yes. We think you can be the future of the franchise. Some people say you could be the next Mike Tomczak.

Orton: Far out, man. Far fucking out.

Lovie: Kyle, watch your language! You’re a role model!

Orton: Oh yeah. Do you think, like, I’ll be on the cover of the next Madden game?

Lovie: You never know. The sky is the limit.

Orton: Ha. The sky is high … hey, do you think we could get Ricky Williams up here next year? I don’t know if you noticed, but Cedric Benson hasn’t really been getting it done.

Lovie: Just worry about your game, Kyle. I’ll take care of the rest.

Orton: Oh, about that. You might want to get my helmet to the equipment manager. I had it rigged to my iPod instead of the coaching booth after the preseason.

Lovie: What? So you haven’t heard a single thing Ron Turner has said all season?

Orton: Nope. Mostly listened to “Houses of the Holy.”

Lovie: Hmm. You might be in better shape for this job than I realized in that case…

Orton: Oh, one more thing. Do you mind if I throw a little vodka into my Gatorade bottle? With Fred Miller and Terrence Metcalf up there I figure I’ll be taking a lot of hits, and that should ease the pain a bit.

Lovie: Haven’t Rex and Brian been doing that all season?

Orton: No, coach. Those guys play like that when they’re sober.

Lovie: Then I guess it can’t hurt. Don’t hesitate to mix in some Everclear if you have to.

Orton: Awesome! You won’t regret it, coach. In college, I threw like six TDs against Indiana after I drank half a bucket of that stuff at Delta Chi — that morning!

Lovie: Well then be ready to load it up. We’re coming off the bus passing…

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  1. One Response to “Are you ready for some ORTON?”

  2. Well done, well done. But you forgot about the part where he does acid during pregame warmups with his twin brother Les Claypool.

    LETS GO K.O.!!!

    By Charlie on Dec 13, 2007

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