Well I’m Sure It’s All Good Now

October 4, 2007 – 12:00 am by Ryan Phillips

In what must have been one of the most awkward encounters since Fredo and Michael got together in Cuba, Michael Vick sat through an eight-hour class in empathy and animal protection at PETA headquarters on September 18. Dan Shannon, a PETA spokesman, was with Vick for the duration of the class taught by PETA staff members. Shannon claimed Vick was attentive and inquisitive during the class. He went on to discuss what he saw from the suspended Falcons’ quarterback when asked about the interaction Tuesday:

“He was asking questions, following up on points we were making, taking notes. He seemed to be putting an honest effort into trying to get something out of the course.”

The people at PETA are convinced that Vick was genuinely involved and moved by the class and has changed. Though they believe he still should serve jail time, we should really believe their assessment of Vick because, well, they’ve gotten a lot of quasi-famous chicks to pose nude for their cause. That means they’re a righteous and good cause right?

Apparently Vick also passed a “very rigorous” written test at the conclusion of the course. Thanks to our crack research team, we’ve acquired a copy of the test and have decided to reprint it here for you:

Please select the best answer for each question:
1. If your dog stands over hits food bowl and barks at you, you should:
A. Feed the dog
B. Check if there is anything physically wrong with the dog
C. Shoot it
D. Beat the dog to death by repeatedly smashing it’s head into the ground, only after attempts to drown it fail.
E. A and B

2. If you come across a malnourished dog, you should:
A. Call animal control and show compassion while awaiting their arrival
B. Shoot it
C. Chain it to a pole and not let it eat until it learns to be “more game”
D. Beat it

3. If a female dog in your possession seems unwilling to breed, you should:
A. Consult a breeding expert
B. Take the dog to a veterinarian
C. Shoot it
D. Use a “rape stand” to hold it in place while it is violated by the desired male dog
E. A or B

4. If a dog resists your commands, you should:
A. Consult a dog training and behavior specialist
B. Watch “The Dog Whisperer”
C. Take it to obedience school
D. Shoot it
E. A or C

5. If your dog is friendly and obeys all of your commands, you should:
A. Reward him or her with a treat
B. Acknowledge and encourage this by petting him or her
C. Shoot it
D. Immediately begin to train it to attack and kill other dogs
E. A or B

6. The best method for executing a dog is:
A. Hanging
B. Shooting
C. Drowning
D. Beating it to death
E. What kind of sick person would execute a harmless animal?

7. Dogfighting is:
A. Illegal
B. Immoral
C. Sick and twisted
D. Bad ass
E. Man, that wasn’t even my property anymore
F. A, B and C

8. If one of your prized pit bulls loses a fight, what should you do with the dog?
A. Wet id down with water and then electrocute it
B. Shoot it
C. Immediately take it to the nearest emergency animal hospital
D. I would in no way be involved, since dogfighting is illegal and wrong

9. If you somehow end up at a dogfight, what should you do?
A. Light up a joint, sit back and enjoy the show
B. Call and invite all of your friends
C. Put $15,000 on the favorite
D. Immediately contact the local authorities and alert them to this atrocity

10. If a neighbor’s dog is barking loudly and disturbing you, you should:
A. Politely ask your neighbor to deal with the situation
B. Call the police
C. Handle it yourself, don’t be no snitch
D. Shoot it
E. A or B

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  1. One Response to “Well I’m Sure It’s All Good Now”

  2. The real test has been up on their website for awhile now:


    And info about the course:


    By Anonymous on Oct 10, 2007

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