I guess the “Tale of the Tape” is going to be a regular feature here on R&R, since McD and I always end up having the “who would you take?” “who would you do?” and “who would you rather be?” discussions when there’s an awkward pause in our conversations. We figured we’d just put them to good use on the site. This week’s targets? Mets third baseman David Wright and Brewers third baseman Ryan Braun. Let’s face it, both of these guys have the near-perfect lives we all dream of as a kid. So to separate them we’ll need to break things down scientifically.
David Wright: Good-looking 24-year-old, five-tool third baseman in his fourth year. Currently hitting .312, 22 home runs, 79 RBIs, with 82 runs, 25 stolen bases, a .400 on base percentage, is slugging .524 and carries a .954 fielding percentage in 122 games.
Ryan Braun: Good-looking 23-year-old, five-tool third baseman in his rookie year. Currently hitting .343, 24 home runs, 62 RBIs, with 58 runs, 10 stolen bases, a .388 on base percentage, is slugging .663 and carries a .893 fielding percentage in 76 games.
David Wright: Out of high school, went 38th overall to the Mets in the 2001 draft. Was a compensation pick for the loss of Mike Hampton to the Rockies (whoops).
Ryan Braun: After his junior year at Miami, went 5th overall to the Brewers.
Biggest Big League Moment
David Wright: All-Star game home run off of Kenny Rogers in 2006.
Braun: Became the first player to be named both NL Rookie of the Month and NL Player of the Month for the same month, in July. He hit a league-leading 11 home runs, with 25 RBIs while batting .345.
Evidence of Padre-Killing
David Wright: His over the shoulder, bare-handed catch against the Padres at PETCO Park in 2005. I was at the game, that was amazing, he even got a standing ovation from the San Diego crowd (watch it here).
Ryan Braun: He doubled in his first game in the big leagues, which happened to be against my Padres. The next night he hit his first major league home run against them, off of Justin Germano.
David Wright: Always smiling, affable, good with the media, people love him.
Ryan Braun: Always smiling, affable, good with the media, people love him.
Question He’s Asked When He Tells Chicks Who He Is
David Wright: “Should I take my panties off here or back at your place?”
Ryan Braun: “Milwaukee has a baseball team?”
David Wright: “Hollywood”
Ryan Braun: “The Hebrew Hammer” (we’re not making this up)
Could Be Overshadowed By
David Wright: Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter.
Ryan Braun: Prince Fielder (who isn’t in that guy’s shadow?), Bernie Brewer, sausage races.
His Team Is Overshadowed By
David Wright: The Yankees.
Ryan Braun: A shitty football team that plays two hours away, Marquette basketball.
Contribution To Society
David Wright: The David Wright Foundation. Founded in 2005, its mission is to increase awareness about multiple sclerosis and to raise money for multiple sclerosis organizations and projects.
Ryan Braun: Finally giving millions of Jewish kids a famous athlete to root for and model themselves after. He’s already hit more home runs (24) than all but six of the top 10 career Jewish home run hitters had in their best seasons.
Closest “Target-Rich” Enviornment
David Wright: Manhattan.
Ryan Braun: Chicago.
Reason Other Than Talent We Hate Him
David Wright: Through Vitamin Water sponsorship he was given 0.5% of the company, when it was sold to Coca-Cola for $4.1 billion he netted approximately $20 million from the deal.
Ryan Braun: He got to spend three years banging chicks at the University of Miami.
Advantage: Braun…it’s not even close
Has To Spend The Next Few Years In
David Wright: His new apartment in New York City’s Flatiron District.
Verdict: 6-5, Wright
Again we have a close competition. Wright wins in a close battle, but honestly neither of these guys has ever lost at anything in their lives. Screw them and their perfect lives. Go ahead you two a-holes, go enjoy your millions of dollars … and your legions of adoring fans … and your beautiful women … and Victoria Silvstedt Playmate of the Year…F*CK!