A few words come to mind when I think of the San Diego Padres offense. Punchless, anemic, hapless, weak, maybe even effete or feminine. But as I was sitting here watching Joel Pineiro – Joel “FREAKING” Pineiro – toss seven shutout innings while only allowing four hits in a 5-0 Cardinals win, I could only think of one thing to describe it: Impotent.
Yes, one night after Kip “FREAKING” Wells (the same Kip Wells who currently owns 13 losses and a 5.27 ERA) threw seven innings without giving up an earned run in a 2-1 Cardinals win, the Padres were stifled once again. This is getting ridiculous. Going into last night’s game, their pitching staff currently has the lowest ERA in the majors, at 3.49, that’s 0.32 better than second place. They’ve combined for 16 shutouts this season, which is seven more than the second place team. With pitching like that they should be running away with the National League West and be favored to win the World Series. But their offense is laughable.
Entering last night’s game they ranked last in the majors in batting average (.244) and on base percentage (.312), are next to last in hits (943) and are three from the bottom in slugging percentage (.392). To give you some reference, the Yankees are currently first in batting average at .291. Hell, the Orioles are at .274, the Devil Rays are at .269 and even the Royals are at .266. If the Padres had any of those offenses, they’d be far and away the best team in the National League and one of the best in baseball. As of now, they’re middling around with a .535 winning percentage, three games behind the Diamondbacks in the NL West.
It’s awful, of the hitters that qualify (351 plate appearances) Adrian Gonzalez leads the team with a .266 average, Mike Cameron is second at .252 and Khalil Greene is third at – prepare yourselves – .228. Read that again, I’ll wait. So what did they do to punch up the offense as the deadline approached? Added Rob Mackowiak (.273), Morgan Ensberg (.231), Scott Hairston (.240) and Michael Barrett (.247). Nice work guys, problems solved, let’s get a sandwich and watch the wins roll in.
So I’m suggesting a solution. Every Padre hitter must take at least one tablet of Viagra, Cialis or their erectile dysfunction medication of choice, before each game. Cialis would work better for the bench players, so when the moment is right, they’ll be ready. Sure it’ll lead to some awkward shower time after the game, especially with the Giles brothers and Greg Maddux around, but hey it just might work. Couldn’t possibly be worse than it is. By the way, I thought about making a “ring-toss” joke about the aforementioned Giles bros. but we try to keep things classy around here. Normally I’d just suggest they look at a picture of Jessica Alba to add some potency to their bats, but with the recent Jeter-induced herpes rumor going around, that might not do the trick. But honestly, even knowing that, we’d all still hit it. Repeatedly.