Seven days ago I celebrated a birthday … yeah it was depressing but this post has nothing to do with that. Sure I was a little moody that day, but while flipping through the channels it dawned on me; my birth month might be the worst sports month on the calendar. Seriously, it sucks. So, in honor of the amount of time I’ve been on the Earth, I compiled a list of 27 reasons I hate sports in August.
1. Preseason football is essentially one huge cock-tease. It sucks, there’s no point and it should be done away with. If you want to give us more football, give us more good football, not the athletic equivalent of blue balls.
2. There’s no real basketball (the FIBA America’s tournament and the WNBA playoffs do not count).
3. Baseball has hit that late-season lull when everyone is banged up and teams just simply don’t play well. They are all currently gearing up for their September run. When have you ever heard of a team winning a pennant in August?
4. Due to the lack of actual sporting events, I’ve had to gamble on the Little League World Series … heavily. Sure, the one time I bank on the Japanese team they can’t even have the decency to use a bunch of 16-year-olds like every other year. McD has even been forced to rediscover his love of cockfighting.
5. I’ve been forced to actually watch the MLS.
6. The WNBA gets far too much airtime.
7. I have to listen to a sports hack stumble through an explanation of waiver-wire trades at least once a week.
8. Lou Holtz’s corpse is unfrozen, reanimated and put back on television.
9. The morning after the trading deadline feels like the morning after you almost scored with a gorgeous chick. You’re left thinking “what if” for months after, you know you’ll probably never have a shot at something that good again and you’ve probably got a brutal hangover.
10. My San Diego Padres always seem to be playing the New York Mets on my birthday. And for some reason they almost always beat my team. I’m not kidding when I say the Mets have ruined more of my birthdays than those candles that won’t blow out. One year Wally Backman had five hits against us to lead the Mets to a win in a game I attended. Wally freaking Backman.
11. With the lack of acceptable sports programming I’ve actually stumbled upon a few episodes of “Newport Harbor” and I hate that I care. Will Chrissy or Allie hook up with Clay? Are Grant and Chase finally going to throw down? Why does MTV insist on making us all look at high school chicks that way?
12. I was so desperate for some real football information that I bought four football preview magazines (three college, one NFL). I read them cover-to-cover and can honestly say I came away feeling no different about anything pertaining to either season. Yeah, that was $24.99 well spent.
13. Thanks to this month I know way too much about quarterbacks and paternity (thanks to Matt Leinart and Tom Brady). The only time I should know anything about a signal caller’s kid is if he has some sort of disease. Like Boomer Esiason, Doug Flutie or Phil Simms’ sons. You see I thi…what? Chris Simms isn’t mentally retarded? Are you sure?
14. Stories are so few and far between that when they come we latch on to them and beat them to death (no pun intended dog lovers). If I hear anymore about Tim Donaghy or Michael Vick’s worthless asses I’m going to hit something very, very hard.
15. I’ve been watching a lot of the English Premiere League, which has led to the inevitable task of me defending my love of soccer to local drunken hicks when out at sports bars. They love NASCAR and can’t understand why I like something that’s so “boring.”
16. I’m so bored during the day that I find myself checking recruiting Web sites five to six times a day. Knowing this much about high school athletes makes me feel dirty. Not Sonny Vaccaro dirty, but dirty nonetheless.
17. Dan Patrick left ESPN in this month.
18. HBO’s “Hard Knocks” is awesome, but it only lasts five episodes and only airs once a week. I want to see something having to do with football so badly that I’ve watched each episode at least four times.
20. The only sports talk shows I like, PTI and Mike & Mike, take way too much vacation time in August. If I have to hear the words “You’re listening to Mike & Mike in the Morning, I’m Erik Kuselias” again, I’m going to shoot something.
21. We found out that our favorite delicate flower was desecrated by Derek Jeter this month. That’s right, only in August would we become aware that a Yankee gave Jessica Alba genital herpes. Screw the Yankees.
22. Notre Dame fans start to tell everyone how great they are about this time every year. As opposed to every other part of the year, when they tell everyone how great they were.
23. God gave Stephon Marbury a mouth and someone put a microphone in front of it.
24. I have eight Fox Sports channels and apparently the good folks at Fox think the only things worth showing are “The Best Damn Sports Show” and high school football games from last fall.
25. The sports radio hacks are so desperate for something to talk about that the other day I actually heard one utter the words “having so many high school All-Americans at running back could be a serious problem for USC.” I’m not even going to go into why that might be the dumbest statement ever uttered.
26. Barry broke the record this month.
27. No matter how good or bad each August is, I just keep getting older.