The 133rd Kentucky Derby: What The F**k Ever

May 3, 2007 – 5:45 pm by McD

Usually, I’m able to satisfy my need to gamble during football’s offseason with cockfights and the Little League World Series. But with the Kentucky Derby coming up, we thought we’d break down the field, offer some predictions, and admit that we really don’t care about the Derby. After all, it’s just a reminder that rich people had lame hobbies in the past. There’s a reason horse racing is called the Sport of Kings and it’s not because Rob Blake is a big fan. If you need any more evidence, the freaking Queen of England will be there, and it’s not the first time she’s gone to the Derby.

We WERE going to do a Kentucky Derby preview, but then we read this. That’s right, O.J. Simpson is not only a fan, but apparently he’s something of an expert. He likes Tiago to win a close one on Saturday too.

If that doesn’t make everyone who will watch, attend, or monitor the Derby in any way change their minds about being interested, we don’t know what will. The only way this could get worse is if O.J. ran into the stables before the race, found Tiago coming home from dinner with another trainer, and … well, you get the idea.

There are so many things wrong with this situation, it’s hard to know where to begin. First, it’s appalling that O.J. gets to have enough money to even bet on the race, let alone ponder buying a horse. Second, it’s the Kentucky Derby brought to you by Yum! Brands, the people who own Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken. So that soggy soft taco with the questionable sauce on it you ate at 4 a.m. last night came from the same people who sponsor this insane event for the wealthy and the motor-home dwelling alike. Third, we’re not saying that the Derby is lame, but if people like O.J. Simpson and Jessica Simpson are interested, well maybe you ought to rethink what you’re doing this Saturday afternoon.

Finally, if you need yet more evidence that the Kentucky Derby is overrated and stupid, how’s this: the grandson of William Clark (you know, Lewis and Clark … the famous explorers … explored the Louisiana Purchase territory? Sheesh, read a history book people) was in Paris and saw the famous Grand Prix de Paris race. Clark then organized the Louisville Jockey Club, built Churchill Downs, and the rest is history. So, he stole the idea from the French. That’s right, the French. Look, we’ve been to France, all in all a nice place. But do we really want to get any of our major sporting events from them?

We could spend a while on how horse racing isn’t actually a sport anyway, but we’ll just end here by saying that if you watch the Derby on Saturday, you’re really supporting the French, fatty fast-food chains that are clogging arteries all over the country and O.J. Simpson. Just think about it. We know you’ll do the right thing.

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  1. 2 Responses to “The 133rd Kentucky Derby: What The F**k Ever”

  2. Go to the infield on the first Saturday in May and your mind will be changed. And if you were from Louisville you’d love it.
    - Two weeks of partying for a two minute race.
    - Everything (schools, businesses, etc.) is closed on Friday…the day BEFORE the race.
    - Did I mention the infield? Alcohol. Gambling. Coeds.

    By Greg on May 4, 2007

  3. I’m from Louisville, and I hate the fucking Derby. It’s every negative stereotype about Kentucky boiled down to its bare essentials: bourbon, horses, assholes.

    Furthermore, the town is overrun with douchebags who don’t know a trifecta from a tricycle, and no, not EVERYTHING is closed on Friday.

    Also, all the “celeberities” that come to the Derby are decidedly C-list and below.

    By Vitamin J on May 5, 2007

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