If the San Diego Padres are going to win any games this year, it’ll be through their pitching staff which is the perfect balance of veterans (Greg Maddux and David Wells) and young studs (Jake Peavy, Chris Young, and Clay Hensley). Which is good, because Lord knows they won’t hit the ball. They’re like a lineup full of that kid in little league who cries when he strikes out.
All of this adds up to them really needing leadership out of guys like Wells and especially Maddux. He’s a 300 game winner who has a lot of knowledge to impart to the younger members of the team, like, for instance, his enthusiasm for peeing on people.
He (Maddux) has a sense of humor that a 12-year-old would envy. Maddux is a master of strategically timed nose picking, sidling up to an unsuspecting rookie in the shower and urinating on the kid’s leg, and inventing just the right nickname for a teammate with big ears, a prominent schnozz or some other pronounced physical qualities.
Turns out the guy who whizzes on your shoes from the next stall over isn’t just an asshole, he’s showing leadership. J.J. Redick? Great leader. Moises Alou? A great leader who doesn’t want blisters, because real men don’t wear batting gloves. R. Kelly? Great leader.
But we’re sure this won’t come up again this season and no one will ever mention it. Maybe it was just a big misunderstanding and the reporter just saw Maddux trying to help a teammate get rid of athletes foot. Either way, the professor should fit right in on a team that crapped all over the field in the playoffs last year.