In Which We Try To Praise Michael Phelps Without Sounding Like We Want To Kiss Him

March 30, 2007 – 12:00 am by McD

We thought we’d take time away from obsessing about fantasy baseball (my Eric Owens All-Stars look sweet this year) and the Final Four for some good, old-fashioned, hooray America-jingoism.

If you haven’t noticed, Michael Phelps is kicking ass at the swimming world championships in Melbourne, Australia. He’s set three world records in three days – in the 200 meter freestyle, 200 meter butterfly, and 200 meter individual medley. Actually, “set” isn’t the right word, obliterated is probably more along the lines of what we’re after here. He’s the first swimmer ever to come in under 1 minute 44 seconds in the 200 freestyle (breaking that sissy Ian Thorpe’s record in the process). He also broke the 200 butterfly record by the largest margin in 48 years.

Look, swimming is like track and field…only in water…and there are WAY more white people. But the point is that every four years America shows up at the Olympics and, by gum, we better win a hell of a lot of medals in swimming and track. This is what America does. We struggle a little in the team sports **ahem** basketball **ahem**, but we always produce great individual athletes. We’re all about independence and the do-it-yourself attitude here in the good old U.S. of A. And it looks like Phelps has things under control heading into Beijing in 2008. Oh, and he’s only 21 so now he can drink legally before he drives.

It’d be great if Phelps goes all Mark Spitz on the rest of the field in 2008. Then two days after the Olympics end, we won’t care about Michael Phelps again for three and a half years. But we’re already excited for those two weeks in 2008 when we pretend we cared about Michael Phelps and swimming all along, marvel at his long, muscular arms, wonder what it would be like to be held in them….uh, nevermind. Shit, uh, here’s a picture of another famous swimmer, Jessica Alba. Go America!

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  1. 5 Responses to “In Which We Try To Praise Michael Phelps Without Sounding Like We Want To Kiss Him”

  2. Always a fan of the Go America tag.

    By Nacho Friendly on Mar 30, 2007

  3. Mmmmm, gratuitous Jessica Alba picture. That made my day better.

    By Ivan on Mar 30, 2007

  4. I was going to make a joke about my own swimmers attempting to break world records getting to Alba, but it didn’t work out. Sorry.

    By The Last Unitard on Mar 30, 2007

  5. Know what would really be great? If Phelps would pull up his g******ed Speedos, ferchristssake! I’m tired of seeing this kid’s shaved pube region proudly displayed to the world. Blecch.

    By Abe Simpson on Mar 30, 2007

  6. have you guys checked out i think that place is pretty sweet compared to this junk

    By dd on Jul 20, 2008

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