Fun With Meaningless Stats

December 10, 2006 – 7:00 pm by Ryan Phillips

Here at Rumors and Rants, we aren’t huge fans of ESPN The Magazine. It takes the great premise of Sports Illustrated and tries to be a little too “street” and “hip,” plus it also has columns by the much-maligned Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, which already appear online. So there’s basically no point in reading it. But one of us gets a subscription anyway … OK, OK, I get a subscription. It’s not something I’m proud of but have you ever tried to cancel a magazine subscription? It’s harder than canceling a gym membership. Once they have your credit card number it’s all over.

But, there is one part of The Magazine we do like. It appears in virtually every issue and it’s called “Screw The Math” and the sub-head for the section is: “Taking you so far inside the numbers you’ll never find your way back out.” Basically they bring up ridiculous statistics that mean absolutely nothing but are pretty funny anyway. Here are this week’s selections.

1.) The domestic gross of Jessica Simpson’s Employee of the Month is 28.4 TIMES TONY ROMO’S SALARY with the Cowboys.

2.) Niners coach Mike Nolan’s winning percentage in a suit is .399 HIGHER than Tom Landry’s career mark.

3.) Had center fielder Gary Matthews Jr. received another $222,223 PER YEAR in his new Angels contract, he’d eventually have enough money to talk to Japanese Pacific League ace Daisuke Matsuzaka.

4.)LaDainian Tomlinson is just SEVEN TD PASSES BEHIND Ryan Leaf in the Chargers’ record books.

5.) If Jeff Gordon and Ingrid Vandebosch (his new wife) had registered for Nextel points before their wedding, the Rainbow Warrior would have needed 44 POINTS FROM EACH OF THE FIVE DRIVERS ahead of him to win the Chase for the Cup.

6.) For the money Michael Vick was fined by the NFL for his recent obscene gesture, the Falcons QB could have downloaded Ron Artest’s “Bad Karma” off iTunes 20,202 TIMES.

7.) By the time outfielder Alfonso Soriano’s new contract with the Cubs expires, Islanders goalie Rick DiPietro will still have SEVEN YEARS REMAINING ON HIS DEAL.

8.) Twins first baseman Justin Morneau was caught stealing TWO FEWER TIMES than Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter last season.

9.) Pete Carroll is 0-1 against UCLA when the Bruins QB rushes for AS MANY YARDS as the entire Trojan Offense combined.

10.) Since being kneed in the groin by Raiders defensive end Tyler Brayton, Seahawks tight end Jerramy Steven has averaged 3.3 YARDS MORE PER CATCH.

11.) If the new NBA ball had improved Steve Nash’s FT% as much as it has that of Bucks forward Ruben Patterson (yes this Ruben Patterson), the Suns guard would be shooting A RECORD 108.8% from the charity stripe.

12.) At his current pace, Packers QB Brett Favre will pass Cal Ripken’s record of consecutive games played in 2156.

13.) Cowboys QB Drew Bledsoe has not been sacked since OCT. 23.

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  1. One Response to “Fun With Meaningless Stats”

  2. Worst clip show ever…

    By MilwaukeeBruin on Dec 12, 2006

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