Sink or Swim
A weekly look at Fantasy Footabll.
Mark Spitz: Donovan McNabb vs. New Orleans. Luckily for Donovan, Eagles wideouts receive passes better than T.O. receives text messages. The Saints might rank ninth in the league in passing yards allowed, but McNabb and the Eagles are on a roll. Stat line: 250-270 2 TDs, 40 rushing yards.
Michael Phelps: Michael Vick vs. NY Giants; Ron Mexico will give the Giants fits running the ball and believe it or not, passing the ball. Vick is always a risky choice, much like chancing a fart when you have diarrhea, but I say let it rip. Stat line: 180-210 yards, 2 TDs, 60-75 rushing yards, 1 TD
Summer Sanders: Philip Rivers vs. San Francisco; Drew who? Rivers is proving the doubters wrong and the Chargers look like the best team in the AFC so far. Plus, his name dictates his ability to swim. Stat line: 190-220 yards, 2 TDs
Titanic: Steve McNair vs. Carolina; Great leader, but not a fantasy option. EVER! He has weapons in Derrick Mason, Mark Clayton and Todd Heap, but can’t seem to get the boys the ball consistently. Kyle Boller might not be a winner, but at least he can throw. Stat line: 165-200 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT
Bismarck: Damon Huard vs. Pittsburgh; Some might believe KC’s O is back on track, but playing the hapless Cardinals and 49ers in successive weeks can make Jan Sternud look like Bart Starr. Stat line: 170-190 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT, 1 fumble
Lusitania: Alex Smith vs. San Diego; The Chargers eat quarterbacks like this for breakfast. Expect the blitzing San Diego D to create turnovers galore. Smith is improving, but this is not a day to start the youngest player in the NFL. Stat line: 180-220 yards, 2 INT, 1 fumble
Mark Spitz: Clinton Portis vs. Tennessee; Sheriff Gonna Getcha, Dr. Don’t Know and East Coast Jerome could all rush for over 100 yards against Tennessee. Plus, Clinton is on my fantasy team, and I’m depending on big things. Stat line: 115-130 yards, 2 TDs
Michael Phelps: Thomas Jones vs. Arizona; You think Jones isn’t looking forward to his return to the Desert. After flopping as a first rounder in Phoenix, TJ has turned into an elite back on the league’s elite team. Hello, Monday Night Football. Stat line: 95-110 yards, 1 TD
Summer Sanders: Cadillac Williams vs. Cincinnati; A rookie QB means plenty of carries for this Hoopty. Sophomore slumps are meant to be broken. I remember my college days… this below average girl did the trick. It’s called a slump buster and Cincy’s run D fits the bill. Stat line: 110-125 yards rushing, 1 TD, 35-50 yards receiving
Titanic: Larry Johnson vs. Pittsburgh; Talk about a pain in the neck. After LJ’s near Linda Blair head rotation courtesy of Antrell Rolle, the last thing the Chiefs running back needs is an angry Steelers defense. Stat line: 65-80 yards
Bismarck: Edgerrin James vs. Chicago; James has a better chance of eloquently reciting Shakespeare than he does topping the 100-yard plateau against the Bears defense. “Yo, Romeo. Yo, Romeo. Where the fuck is that fool?” Stat line: 50-65 yards
Lusitania: Jamal Lewis vs. Carolina; Lewis is starting to lose carries to Musa Smith and Mike Anderson. It’s been easier for Jamal to score an eight-ball than a touchdown these days and hasn’t found the end zone since Week 1. 45-70 yards
Mark Spitz: Deion Branch vs. St. Louis; Mike Furrey (82 yards, 2 TDs), Roy Williams (139), Greg Jennings (105) Antonio Bryant (131) and Anquan Boldin (129) will all be sending holiday cards to Rams defenders. With Bobby Engram a little banged up, that leaves one less receiver to snatch looks away from Branch. This will be his breakout game as a ‘Hawks receiver. Stat line: 90-120 yards, 2 TDs
Michael Phelps: Terry Glenn vs. Houston; She is a solid play against a shaky Houston secondary. T.O. will get some looks too, but Glenn is the preferred red zone target because gasp, he actually catches the ball. Stat line: 110-125 yards, 1 TD
Summer Sanders: Ashley Lelie vs. NY Giants; If I have Vick as a swimming QB, I need a wideout to go with him. Roddy White is a bit knicked up. Lelie has proven he can be a big play receiver, and the Giants defense is more suspect than O.J. in bloody Bruno Maglis. Stat line: 90-110 yards, 1 TD
Titanic: Chris Chambers vs. NY Jets; Is Joey Harrington starting? Enough said. Stat line: 45-60 yards
Bismarck: Randy Moss vs. Denver; So he got a touchdown with his thighs against the 49ers, the Broncos D is turning into a force and Champ Bailey is still pretty good at this game. Stat line: 20-35 yards
Lusitania: Hines Ward vs. Kansas City; The Chiefs are surprisingly good against the pass. That means a healthy dose of Willie Parker. Plus Big Ben hasn’t thrown a touchdown yet this year. Stat line: 45-60 yards
I won’t bore you with tight end and kicker picks. And I never will.
So and so’s linebackers are weak, blah blah blah. No one ever freaking knows what a tight end is going to do. And kickers, eh.
Mark Spitz: Pittsburgh vs. Kansas City; Damon Huard and a sore Larry Johnson. Recipe for a rebound game for the Steelers. Stat line: 5 sacks, 2 INT, 2 fumbles, 10-16 points allowed
Michael Phelps: Chicago vs. Arizona; Duh. Matt Leinart hasn’t been piled on like this since his days romping around the Playboy Mansion. Problem is, this time he’s not doing the pounding. Stat line: 5 sacks, 2 INT, 3 fumbles, 6-13 points allowed
Summer Sanders: Washington vs. Tennessee; Vince Young can run. Vince Young can’t throw. The Titans are 0-5, and I’d hate to kick a man while they’re down, but…. Stat line: 3 sacks, 2 INT, 2 fumbles, 10-17 points allowed
Titanic: New Orleans vs. Philadelphia; No post-T.O. letdown here. The Eagles are cooking on offense. Andy Reid will be wise to rest Westbrook this week during practice and have him fresh for Sunday. McNabb is scary good right now. Stat line: 1 sack, 24-30 points allowed.
Bismarck: St. Louis vs. Seattle; No Shaun Alexander, no problem. Sure that didn’t work out too well last time the ‘Hawks took the field, but the Rams are softer than double-quilted Charmin….with Aloe Vera. Statline: 1 sack, 1 fumble, 28-35 points allowed
Lusitania: Atlanta vs. New York Giants; This game might be a shootout. And Eli might throw a pick or two, but the Giants will put up points. Stat line: 2 sacks, 1 INT, 20-28 points allowed