Grandma Holtz Finally Pushes Us Over The Edge

October 16, 2006 – 3:13 am by Ryan Phillips

For weeks we’ve had to listen to Lou “Grandma” Holtz slurp and lisp his way through three topics: how great Notre Dame is, how USC is going to lose each week and how Larry Coker needs to get control of his program at Miami. Yes, you read that last one right, Lou Holtz has been chastising someone for not having control of their program.

Bear in mind that after Holtz left Notre Dame, South Carolina and Minnesota, all three schools were put on probation for violations during his stay. So Holtz (who looks decidedly like the professor from Futurama) telling anyone to “get control” of their program is like Paris Hilton calling someone else a whore. It’s been a rough couple of years at Miami and yeah some of the team’s actions have been disgraceful (to say nothing of their play), and this past weekend’s brawl is likely the last straw for Coker. But Lou Holtz is not the guy who should be criticizing the way someone handles a program. I mean Christ, ESPN is probably facing at least 2 years probation just for having him around.

While Lou attempts to get his wrinkled old ass down from that high horse and you try to sift through the irony of this situation, enjoy this video of the infamous brawl between his South Carolina squad and Clemson in 2004. So to Lou Holtz from all of us here at Rumors and Rants: Just shut up and go away, we can’t take it anymore.

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  1. 24 Responses to “Grandma Holtz Finally Pushes Us Over The Edge”

  2. I would love to read some of this stuff your neat little blog is posting, but since you decline to use paragraphs, the already gag-inducing, Simmons-aping prose becomes utterly inpenetable. Hit the return key once in a while, dopes.

    By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2006

  3. Mark May? Is that your stupid ass posting?

    By In Penury Parvenu on Oct 16, 2006

  4. yea because its so damn hard to read without paragraphs. You related to lou or something, this the best defense you can think of? attack the messenger? Classy.

    By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2006

  5. Not for nothing, but Holtz did at least cancel South Carolina’s bowl appearance after the Clemson brawl. Just a little bit harsher than the 1-game suspensions that Miami is doling out.

    By Dirk Calloway on Oct 16, 2006

  6. Every time I saw Holtz mention the brawl he was very quick to point out that he didn’t have control of his team when it happened and that’s what you were seeing on the field. He also mentioned that it was the worst day of his life. You seem to have left that out of your little post. Hell, you seem to be trying to make it seem like Holtz acted like the clemson brawl never happened.

    By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2006

  7. Lou Holtz looks like the retarded old guy who greets me at Wal-mart. He has no busineTH talking about any college footabll squad.

    By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2006

  8. Notre Dame envy makes people write stupid things.

    By Tim McCarthy on Oct 16, 2006

  9. Bill Simmons just called, he wants to know when he is going to get his style back…

    By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2006

  10. You fail to mention how Lou said when his South Carolina team got in a fight he was utterly embarrassed. What one says or writes can not be considered truth if one leaves out the WHOLE truth.

    By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2006

  11. In fact, the Cocks/Clemson brawl game was the last game Holtz ever coached. As soon as he determined that his players had tuned him out, he said thats it, I’m done. If you’re looking for accountability from a head coach, well, there it is. Coker, in contrast, blames it on the fact that the FIU players weren’t good enough to go to Miami, implying that they started the fight because they were jealous or something. What a crock.

    By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2006

  12. That’s really interesting…especially since neither Notre Dame nor South Carolina were ever supspended…

    By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2006

  13. He never said SC or Minnesota were suspended. He said they were put on probabtion for actions that occurred while Holtz was the coach, which is true.

    By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2006

  14. Here is the link of Holtz referencing the fight after the game. I dont see anything there that relates to what you accuse him of, but hey, don’t let the facts get in the way of your spot on analysis.

    By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2006

  15. Holtz says he announced his retirement on Monday, and the USC / Clemson game was the following weekend. Thus, he didn’t have control of his team. That being said, he sucks as an analyst.

    By Anonymous on Oct 16, 2006

  16. Hey dumbass, nice use of circumstantial evidence.

    Trying to attach Holtz with the probations is like chicken little believing that the sky is falling just because a leaf falls on his head!

    The situation at Minnesota stemmed from the basketball program and was widespread throughout the athletic department.

    The situation at Notre Dame was a witch hunt by the NCAA tied to a girlfriend of a player (who was embezzling money from her employer and buying gifts for her boyfriend who – later became her husband – and his teamates) who was tabbed as a “booster” because she paid $25 to attend a luncheon.

    The South Carolina situation was a violation of “improper tutoring”. WTF is improper tutoring?

    At Arkansas, he once loaned a player enough for a plane ticket home because he couldn’t otherwise afford to attend his grandfather’s funeral. His grandfather raised the kid because his mother died and his father skipped town when he was an infant. Holtz got slapped on the wrist for doing what anyone (but someone of your ilk) would think is an honorable thing to do.

    Others here have reminded you of Lou’s comments and actions with the fight at South Carolina, I’ll simply ask you what the hell your problem is.

    Minnesota fans, Arkansas fans, Domers and Gamecocks all love and respect Lou Holtz.

    Obviously, the person with the problem is you.

    Fuck off!

    By Uncle Rico on Oct 16, 2006

  17. Some of you are missing the point that Holtz has been on Coker’s case since the season started, that was the point of my post. The brawl thing just sent it over the edge.

    By Phillips on Oct 17, 2006

  18. The very first comment I heard Lou make about the fight was to refer to his own problem at USC / Clemson game, and he freely admitted he had lost control over his team and the fight was witness to that.

    By Anonymous on Oct 17, 2006

  19. “Some of you are missing the point that Holtz has been on Coker’s case since the season started…”

    EVERYONE should’ve been on Coker’s case. After the on and off the field drubbing by LSU last year, someone should have recognized that the “U” was in trouble as a football program.

    Secondly, Lou is a bit much as an analyst and is past his prime. But he beats the crap out of that know-it-all tool Mark May. Christ I hate that guy.

    Mayday if you’re reading this, don’t step in front of my car. My brakes are a little dicey. Dick.

    By In Penury Parvenu on Oct 17, 2006

  20. “Some of you are missing the point that Holtz has been on Coker’s case since the season started, that was the point of my post.”

    If that was the point of your post, it would have been a good idea to mention it somewhere in the actual post.

    If you’re going to get on somebody’s case, how about the self-righteous Miami alums who flew planes over the Orange Bowl during a game a few weeks ago that had “Fire Coker” written on the banners?

    By Anonymous on Oct 17, 2006

  21. That was actually the first part of the post if you read it again.

    By Phillips on Oct 17, 2006

  22. I love how the guy makes one pop culture reference and he’s a Simmons clone. Since he has a copyright on that sort of thing and all.

    By Anonymous on Oct 17, 2006

  23. phillips, quit logging in as anonymous and defending yourself.

    By Anonymous on Oct 17, 2006

  24. Haha, you can do that?

    By Phillips on Oct 18, 2006

  25. a) linebreakts=easier read. don’t argue against that
    b) coker will be fired, and deserves it, because his team sucks, relatively, but his players have always been criminals
    c) Phillips is still a Bill Simmons wannabe
    d) holtz is a ‘tardfarm dropout, and needs to stop announcing, but he seems to be a class act – more so than anyone posting here
    e) that last comment was sooooo meta

    By Anonymous on Oct 19, 2006

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